I'm having a hard time believing everything you're saying. Not because I want to. It's because I know you too well. You might be thinking, here I am again, trying to pretend to know it all. That might be true.  But you can’t deny the fact that I'm right. I know you too well, as much as I know myself. And thats whats scaring you right now. And you needed someone. Now you got that someone. Later on he’ll also know you well. Maybe.

One thing that I do believe is that you did fall for someone. I know how it feels, believe me. What you're going thru right now... I’ve been there. This might come as a shock to you. And I am not making this one up. But the thing is, I handled what happened to me pretty well. Because you were there. That's the difference. I'm not there right now. And its not you, it’s me. I left you.

Now, don’t think I'm miserable here. I'm happy in a sense that only I can explain. I’m enjoying life right now. It’s not that I'm crying over what happened every time I think about it. That’s not the case.  I did cry, once, twice. Tears did come.  I’m not ashamed. Well that’s the truth, that’s how it is. Honestly I believe we needed this. I needed this, and it’s been long overdue. I just can’t stand the fact that you’re now with someone else. I’ll get used it. Or maybe I’ll just try to win you back. Let’s see.

Here’s another thing to think about. Don’t ever think that you made a wrong decision as soon as you make it or just think about the prospect of it being one. Let it happen. Don’t preempt the realization of your decision with your judgment if it’s wrong or right. Later on you will know. That’s for time to decide, not you. Don’t let your guilt take over.  If that’s what you want, go for it. If it means you being truly happy, go for it. If you’re not sure about your decision, then you feel guilt. Fulfillment and happiness comes by making what you want happen, with what you think is right even if it’s wrong. There are no ifs, no buts. Now, why are you guilty? Remove that guilt and I’ll be happy for you. If I hinder your happiness then forget about me.

Now you made the decision because you want to learn. You said it yourself. Now what is there to learn?

Life’s way of teaching us is to learn by living. Not to force yourself to learn. Not to superimpose on yourself that you need to learn. You can’t truly learn life. It only shows you what’s needed. Life’s an asshole who never listens. It just does things its own way. You’ll never know when you’ll get hurt, it’ll just hit you in the face, laugh at you for being stupid. Then it’ll just go away like nothing happened. Don’t ever pretend you know what or when you need to learn, because no one does. You can’t really know that you’re learning until you do so.

The last part of your mail made me smile. You know why? Because right now, you are already the biggest coward.  You don’t like the idea of us getting back together if the time comes because you’ll look like a coward. That’s the most pathetic reason I’ve ever heard. That’s reassuring to know though. What does that make you then? I’m running from something because I don’t want to look like a coward. Figure that out. Mull over it again.

Another reason that it made me smile... I know you’re telling the truth. You’ve been completely honest on this part. You’re afraid that I’ll come back. You’re afraid that we’ll get back together. You’re afraid that you can’t prove the things you want to prove to yourself. You’re afraid that you’ll later on realize that it’s always been me. Don’t be. If that happens embrace it. If it does not, live it.

Next time you want to make me feel that I’m not needed, do a better job. Next time don’t let your emotions show. Be firm. Lie to me if you have to. Be rude. Hurt me to show your point. Make me look like I was an asshole when we were together, that would’ve been better. Your email just proved everything. That’s why I’m smiling now.  Don’t worry, I don’t want to be unfair to you, I’ll let you be for now, because I want you to be happy. I want you to learn, since that’s what you want. I want you to realize more things, more than what you’ve already figured out. I want you to experience life.  And by the time that you’re sure that you did make the right decision, by the time that you can talk to me without stammering, by the time that I know you really are happy. I’ll let you go, because I love you. It might hurt for a while, it might hurt forever. I’m prepared to hurt a million times over if that’s what it takes.

I want you to let your new someone read this. I want him to know how much I love you. I want him to love you like this. Or I won’t let him at all. I’ll make sure of that. He can cry all he want, but that doesn’t prove anything. I’ll drag him out of your life if I need to. If you won’t let him read this, I will, I will find a way. I’m dead serious.

And I want to meet him when I come back.

I may have said it a dozen times already, but I do want to see you happy.

I‘ll still be here until that time comes. You still have a lot of time. I’ll be back in May, make the most out of it. Know what you want. I may pop into your life every once in a while. I may try to win you back. I may not. That all depends on you.

Cowards survive battles. Be a coward if you need to. May it be for him or for me.  Now, go, enjoy life. I’ll see you when I see you. I Love you. And from this point on, I will always dread about the day when I can’t say that anymore. You can stop crying now. Love you.